I have to choose which of these secrets are the best for the new video I am making Tim make for me.

Could you tell me which 10 you like the most?

And if a secret applies to you, that's because I didn't get under your bed and tell you myself. Yet.



1. You know the chandelier in the hallway? You were right! It really is a spider that will eat your eyeballs! Who knew?

2. You know the monster in your closet? I was speaking with him. I told him that he should kick it up a notch.

3. You know how you think your mommy loves your sister more than you? She doesn’t. She hates you both.

4. One day you will come home from school and your whole family will have moved away. And they will have ice cream.

5. Daddy sure likes looking at those pretty girls in the magazines. Maybe he will love you if you act like a ho-bag.

6. You know how they said your dog Fluffy was taken to a nice farm family? They lied. He’s in the attic in the dark, with Grandma, and they’re waiting for you.

7. Hide Mommy’s pills.

8. The Christmas tree is fake this year because Mommy and Daddy were replaced with robots.

9. Everyone is a robot now, and they laugh because you are so ugly.

10. On your TV, the commercial about the scary movie wants to come out of the screen and eat you.

11. It is good to be a grown-up because you get to drink martinis all day and no one can stop you.

12. Everything you see on the Sci-Fi Channel is real. It’s called “science”.

13. You know when you hold your breath until you hear that buzz in your head? That buzz is Heaven calling.

14. Your teacher wants to put you in the special class, because she wants you to live on the street and be a loser.

15. When you look real close at wood and you see faces? Those aren’t faces. They are people who looked real close at wood.

16. Do you know why the cat is in the closet all the time? Because he knows the Boogieman personally.

17. Blood tastes like cherries. Try some!

18. Your baby brother is going to replace you. Put him back in the garden where Mommy found him.

19. Daddy pays everyone to like you. And they still don’t.

20. If you leave your toys on the floor, you can trip up zombies. Leave toys on the stairs too.

21. When Mommy and Daddy have their special time? They are looking through catalogues to find someone to replace you.

22. During thunderstorms, trees get all excited and eat people.

23. Hippies are werewolves who got confused.

24. The reason why Daddy doesn’t know why the sky is blue, is because he is from another planet.

25. You are not supposed to talk to strangers. Your friends used to be strangers. Stop talking to them.

26. Your whole life can be a cartoon if you try hard enough. But you need an anvil.

27. At school, the fire drills help teachers lead the children straight into the mouths of waiting monsters.

28. The thing living in the toilet thinks your poop is so tasty, he wants to take you so he can some all the time.

29. Zombies know when you are peeing. They just do.

30. In the bathtub, when your skin gets pruney? That means you are melting right down the drain.

31. You know how your shampoo says “No More Tears?” It means no more tears for Mommy when you go right down the drain.