air conditioning or refrigeration. I had formerly thought that this moment was the best time to be alive because of AC and frosty fountain drinks.

But no.

Friend Steve points out that the best time to be alive will be later this century, when we have consumer-use 5-SNZ(tm) Fully sensory home theaters.
Know why?
Well, porn, yeah.

meanwhile, if civilization was to collapse, I volunteer to be food supply.


"How long? How long without air conditioning?!"

"Two hours."
"Two HOURS? There is...no hope...."

The rain flattened the night to a featureless sizzle. Carnicia flitted barely seen black-winged on black sky, whispering, You need more bullets.
    In the floodlights in front of the bunkhouse, a white Escalade glowed. Eli find a new car?
    A look through the heatscope showed the white dots of infra-red motion detectors.
    No white or pink figures outside the house.  The dorm glowed hot in the rec room. The other girls would be quick when alerted, though, from boredom. You don’t have teens to be taught burglary and classical ninjitsu and expect they aren’t going to get all rammy. Sandra loped quiet to the power connections and communications pedestals, and left her little surprises.
    Carnicia swept by, a grasshopper punked up, Use them now! Don’t give them a chance! Knock all of it down, walk in and blast them.
    “I’m not killing anybody.” Anger and disappointment ground in Sandra like grit, but she wasn’t going to kill anybody today. She just had to keep Carnicia her fairy-god-hitwoman calm.
The doors and windows were wired, but that vent into the attic crawlspace? Saw it out with a kay-bar knife from the utility belt, and in you go. No motion detectors active in the attic,  or down in the halls.
    How many times had Sandra walked down this hall, down the stairs, to the door? Which was open just enough to see: Quentin, with his big shin and silk running jacket. Then another man, tall and beige, in entertainment for sure.
    Quentin jabbed the air, “Lydia! Kicked! Ass! Those gangbangers never had a chance! That friggin’ thing she did with the knife –“
    “What loose ends, Marston?” said the beige man, “Cops lo-o-ove your work you said. What’s the problem?”
    “The police are but one factor, Joss. There are more governmental agencies regulating children then there are for crime. Makes you wonder, frankly.”
    Joss Whedon! Oh my god Sandra loved his shows!
    “It is empowering them!” said Quentin, “These girls would have been dead in warzones! Or worse!”
    “Wait. Why do you have to worry about agencies?”  Whedon leaned, “And all your girls are accounted for.”
    There’s an awkward silence! “The ones worth counting.”
    Groans around the room, “No!” “Which one?”
    “The oldest, Sandra. My first work. She took the brunt of my mistakes, as first children do. You never saw her. She…didn’t inspire.”
    The disappointment grew to broken glass.
    Carnicia whispered, You’re not going to kill anyone. Uh uh. Not you.
    “Shut –“ Sandra choked her snarl.
    Marston announced, “Someone’s here.”
    Sandra held her breath.  Carnicia’s giggle echoed in her head, old and familiar.
    Marston’s wrinkled face was awash with video monitor glow. The buzzer to unlock the front door.
    More the merrier! Said Carnicia.
    Eli Roth stumbled past mere inches from where Sandra pressed herself.
    Said her old padre, “I told you, Eli. The girls are not mercenaries.”
    The young man shrieked, “My car almost went over the Palisades! The studio’s mechanic said the brake lines had been worked over with paraffin so they would catch on fire.”
    Carnicia sang, I told you to use more acc-el-erant.
    Quentin asked, “Has one of your girls gone –“ He whistled a cuckoo tone.
    “Then,” Eli paced, “Invent some story like you always tell them.”
“Like high-government Mafia types are after us?” said Whedon.
    “Devil-worshipping cult,” argued Eli, “has more emotional impact.”
    Quentin waved his hands, “Government crap’s been done to death. Yakuza!”
    The old man said, “No. The girls have no emotional investment in you. If they even knew you paid to watch  their mission footage, that would impact the sincerity of their actions.”
    The fairy was now the same size as Sandra, “Hah! ‘Trust funds’, he told you. These shmoes pay for mission footage.”
     The grit grew to gravel. Marsten didn’t run a secret anti-crime agency with glamorous Hollywood connections.
    “Here we go,” Sandra and Carnicia said, and Sandra walked in.
    She knew what they saw: five-foot-three, a body that liked punching, beer and lasagna. They’d have mistaken her for the cable installer, but the k-bar knife and the pistol holsters kept their attention.

What is your Alignment? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Neutral Good A Neutral Good person tries to do the 'goodest' thing possible. These people are willing to work with the law to accomplish their goal, but if the law is corrupt they are just as willing to tear it down. To these people, doing what's right is the most important thing, regardless of rules, customs, or laws. Neutral Good 70% Chaotic Evil 65% Lawful Evil 60% Lawful Good 55% True Neutral 45% Chaotic Neutral 45% Lawful Neutral 40% Neutral Evil 35% Chaotic Good 20%

Green Tentacles has responded, thanks to klingonguy, but they have not followed up since sending the "get acquainted" material last week and an e-mail to inquire. I now go to the SFWA directory to find designers.

I went a little off on Amazon. I wanted to buy "100 Tiny Tales of Terror" just to get my short horror gears oiled. Well, it only cost ten cents! So i looked around and found "100 Sneaky Little sleuth Stories" because I'd like to see what makes them work. Only thirty-three cents!

I am now the owner of: 100 Tiny Tales of Terror, 100 Sneaky Little Sleuth Stories, 100 Fiendish Little Frightmares, 100 Hilarious Little Howlers, 100 Creepy Little Creature stories, 100 Wild Little Weird Tales, 100 Twisted Little Tales of Torment, and 100 Ghastly Little Ghost Stories.

So I now own 800 Alliterative Little Aphorisms of Agony.

The Zicklo the Doll project got caught up due to hubris. I thought "Sure, i know how to do these video effects! Why research tutorials on YouTube when I'm such a bright guy!" My idea as to making Zicklo talk is not working. I've set it aside for th e moment.

I wrote a 900 word story based on my experience in High School, with names from the original cast of bullies, thugs and pariahs! I rather like this story. Could even be lit'ry. Noble Fusioner Buck Dorrence had ideas for it and it was praised mightily by caoilinnshouse
I think cruising the 800 Aphorisms helped it along. And as short as the story is, i had no idea how it was going to conclude. i have some characters I'm going to play with today to see if i can get a story the same way.

i'd rather write than hang with friends. this causes me a little wistfulness with 20% chance of bumming out.

Question; have you ever gone regularly to a Friends list and wanted to delete somebody annoying, then remembered, oh yeah, this is somebody *else's* friends list? Would that be presumptuous, to say "Could you get rid of so-and-so? That person's annoying!"

Your world too short of resources? Your society a little too efficient?

For those who want some ideas for a dystopia, or a world that's a little too efficient, an art collective in Germany spent two years imagining a 100% green city. Part Quaker village / part Thunderdome.

http://www.ateliervanlieshout.com/

Look under "work"

I am looking to create a website with a timwburke.com url.

I tried contacting Green Tentacles to design it, but have gotten no response.

Do any of you have any suggestions as to who can do the basic design, layout and such?

I have to choose which of these secrets are the best for the new video I am making Tim make for me.

Could you tell me which 10 you like the most?

And if a secret applies to you, that's because I didn't get under your bed and tell you myself. Yet.



1. You know the chandelier in the hallway? You were right! It really is a spider that will eat your eyeballs! Who knew?

2. You know the monster in your closet? I was speaking with him. I told him that he should kick it up a notch.

3. You know how you think your mommy loves your sister more than you? She doesn’t. She hates you both.

4. One day you will come home from school and your whole family will have moved away. And they will have ice cream.

5. Daddy sure likes looking at those pretty girls in the magazines. Maybe he will love you if you act like a ho-bag.

6. You know how they said your dog Fluffy was taken to a nice farm family? They lied. He’s in the attic in the dark, with Grandma, and they’re waiting for you.

7. Hide Mommy’s pills.

8. The Christmas tree is fake this year because Mommy and Daddy were replaced with robots.

9. Everyone is a robot now, and they laugh because you are so ugly.

10. On your TV, the commercial about the scary movie wants to come out of the screen and eat you.

11. It is good to be a grown-up because you get to drink martinis all day and no one can stop you.

12. Everything you see on the Sci-Fi Channel is real. It’s called “science”.

13. You know when you hold your breath until you hear that buzz in your head? That buzz is Heaven calling.

14. Your teacher wants to put you in the special class, because she wants you to live on the street and be a loser.

15. When you look real close at wood and you see faces? Those aren’t faces. They are people who looked real close at wood.

16. Do you know why the cat is in the closet all the time? Because he knows the Boogieman personally.

17. Blood tastes like cherries. Try some!

18. Your baby brother is going to replace you. Put him back in the garden where Mommy found him.

19. Daddy pays everyone to like you. And they still don’t.

20. If you leave your toys on the floor, you can trip up zombies. Leave toys on the stairs too.

21. When Mommy and Daddy have their special time? They are looking through catalogues to find someone to replace you.

22. During thunderstorms, trees get all excited and eat people.

23. Hippies are werewolves who got confused.

24. The reason why Daddy doesn’t know why the sky is blue, is because he is from another planet.

25. You are not supposed to talk to strangers. Your friends used to be strangers. Stop talking to them.

26. Your whole life can be a cartoon if you try hard enough. But you need an anvil.

27. At school, the fire drills help teachers lead the children straight into the mouths of waiting monsters.

28. The thing living in the toilet thinks your poop is so tasty, he wants to take you so he can some all the time.

29. Zombies know when you are peeing. They just do.

30. In the bathtub, when your skin gets pruney? That means you are melting right down the drain.

31. You know how your shampoo says “No More Tears?” It means no more tears for Mommy when you go right down the drain.

I popped up in "The Year's Best Fantasy and Horror - 17th Edition" (2003):

"Weird Tales, edited by George Scithers and Darrell Schwietzer, now eighty years old, is a mix of heroic fantasy, dark fantasy, and the occasional horror story. Tanith Lee and Thomas Ligotti are regular contributors. In 2003 there was notable dark work from them as well as Carrie Vaughn, Tim W. Burke, Lisa Batya Feld, Kelly McCullough, Lillian Csernica, and Gene Wolfe."

This was for "Two Shows Daily", which George hadn't liked much, but Darrell liked.

My measured self-analysis after the jump.

Why do cats sit in boxes?









What secret does the cat know within the box?










The connection is more than innate...it's supernatural. Preternatural. What does it mean for humanity?










Will you know the secret before it is TOO LATE?




Read the story I'm working on and find out the hideous secret.

The editor of "Aiofe's Kiss" explained to me that the story he wants to buy (submitted March of last year), will not be published until March 2009.

I said "thanks, but no thanks" and withdrew my story. Was I hasty?

To build on the spirit of recent success, i have sent out two more Lampreyhead stories to editors.

Hey! My first ever review!

From "The Fix"  at http://thefix-online.com/reviews/town-drunk-feb-2008/
The astonishingly perceptive Carole Ann Moleti quotes extensively from "Lampreyhead" and says:

Almost every sentence of “Lampreyhead Meets the Vampire Slaughterers” is a one-liner or parody of paranormal romance and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Every time I read it, I found something else and laughed harder.

I am working on a story that has Kurt Vonnegut as a character. He makes a favorable impression on the reader. I am using quotes from essays and speeches for his portion of the dialogue.
Is this a good idea to do this?
Should I instead invent a vonnegutesque character?

The first Lampreyhead is up at The Town Drunk.

I'm designing a demon that thrives on turmoil caused by a lack of .... something.

There is an emotion in common with binge-drinking, with despair caused by nihilism, the fury of protesters practicing "the theatre of outrage", with artists who seek only to grab attention.

Would one call despair "self-indulgent?"

I need a word that's smooth, yet just slightly out-of-use.

"Ballyhoo?"

helpmehelpmehelpme

Lampreyhead to make his debut this month on "The Town Drunk."

Three stories appearing in one month! It's a blitz of Burke. A Burkeskrieg. Something.

New Lampreyhead story finished and sent to Noble Fusion East for critique.

Watching "Dexter." The season is based on the novel "Darkly Dreaming Dexter." The series is better than the book. Which means it's pretty good and worth seeing, if you don't mind a really icky anti-hero.